I have to admit, I am not a shopping enthusiast! Except around the Christmas and Channukah holidays, I hate the parking problems, I don’t enjoy browsing aisle after aisle looking for something that would be honestly appreciated by Grandma or Uncle Arthur. I certainly do not like standing in line with inpatient people waiting for the lone employee to handle a complicated exchange. During the holidays, I enjoy strolling through stores just people watching, without being weighted down with packages. The experience for whatever reason puts me into a holiday emotional state, but I do my actual shopping and buying almost entirely online. That’s a practice I developed in the very early years of the Web.

Online shopping didn’t save my life all by itself. Just because I started using the Web before any of my friends, I still had to make the decisions. And then, around five years ago, or so, I discovered food.

That wasn’t very honestly phrased, because I discovered food when I was still an infant. But I didn’t discover food as a gift idea until recently. You see, at that time I received a gift basket full of hardly edible sausages, processed cheese spreads (mostly chemicals I think) and crackers that were about as crunchy as a rock. However, the poor quality of what passed as food in that gift turned out to be my inspiration. “What,” I thought, “If I had received genuinely good food?” How different that would have been, and how much I would have enjoyed it.

Since then, I have been busy conducting research (that’s just my word for “sampling”). I have found online vendors who offer genuine quality for about the same price that you can get that synthetic stuff at the mall. (You know the one I mean, but I’m not about to open myself to a libel or slander charge by naming the brand.) Just like the mall kiosks, the online shops handle all the shipping, gift cards, everything. I know that my gifts will be exceptionally pleasant surprises for all of my gift recipients.

The wide selection of quality gift foods available is truly remarkable. It ranges from live lobster dinners to a fruit basket; from cookie bouquets to live lobsters; from wine gift baskets to imported caviar or fine Wisconsin cheeses.

I do keep gift foods around the house, beautifully or cleverly arranged, for my guests who come to my house or for those whom I visit in person during those gift giving times. The Internet provides assistance to me even in these cases, because it is packed full of great ideas for arranging and wrapping gift food.

If you happen to see me strolling a store aisle with a huge smile on my face when everybody else seems frantic, you will now know my secret. But let’s keep it a secret from my Uncle Arthur.

We all have a friend who is totally worthless in the kitchen.  Actually, if you don’t have a friend like that, read on, because I have enough friends who meet that description to share at least one of mine with you.

The gift recommendation that I’m about to make for him is rather expensive, so be prepared.  I assure you, though, that you will that it is a very sound investment on your part.  Maybe it’s your son, or nephew, or uncle or your roommate who just refuses to leave.

Try giving him a truly romantic dinner for which he never has to leave the house or apartment.  Hopefully he’ll be able to find an appropriate date with whom to share it.  When you get right down to it, nothing impresses an unsuspecting date more than an intimate dinner that the host has prepared himself (with your encouragement and careful guidance, of course.  Now, the friend I’m thinking of needs all the help he can get in this regard.  Give him specific directions for this.  You know candles, subdued music, the whole thing.

He can begin the evening with the first part of your present, a gourmet cheese for the beginning course  If he is capable of slicing a couple pears or apples, suggest that as well.  He can serve this course as a finger food or at the dining table as the formal beginning of the meal.

For the entree, present him with a certificate for a fine, gourmet lobster dinner or perhaps a surf and turf meal, if he is a beef fanatic.  Since this man needs so much help, you will want to be certain that the lobster is as fresh as possible.

Tell him to cap off the evening with a magnificent, gourmet turtle cheesecake.  Or, if he does not like chocolate, then select the more traditional New York cheesecake, decorated with a sprig of fresh mint.

If he drinks alcoholic beverages, do not trust him to choose the wine for the dinner.  Lobster is very hearty fare, so don’t be afraid to suggest he pair it with a bold wine such as a Merlot or even a Burgundy.

Now, sit back and wait for the inevitable wedding invitation.  If it doesn’t arrive within six months, just find another friend.  That will be much easier.